Time

Time is more important than money. This is a true statement. You may have the finances to have an affair, but you also need to be able to get away for a while with your lover. You need to be able to go away from home for a few hours or a few days. This one I got nailed.

First, I travel a lot on business. So hopping a plane for a far flung city for a few days is not really a problem. And the thing is that vacation spots are usually cheaper during the middle of the week. So one can stretch those valuable affair dollars.

One does need to be careful of the paper trail. The frequent flyers club record where you’ve been, and this will show up on some statement somewhere. The hotel affinity clubs do the same. It helps to have all these statements coming to the office rather than the house. But remember the websites also have this information. I also need to worry about my secretary. She usually keeps tabs on where I am and she does talk with the wife from time to time. It would be unfortunate to have the wife call the secretary trying to find where I was, and have the secretary say I was off on vacation.

A lie should be as close to the truth as possible. Mixing business with pleasure is probably the way to go. Fly to London on business, and have a fling there. Fly to a conference in Miami, and then stop for a couple days in the Virgin Islands. Follow a meeting in Boston with a couple of days of skiing in Vermont. I can make this work.

Not everyone can get away for sleep-overs. Getting away for a few hours can work, too. One does need to be careful about, well… how should I put this delicately, ahem, the scent of a woman. Love making does have an air to it. And her perfumes and soaps can stay with you, and on your clothes, when you get home – leading to a suspicious partner. You need to engage in a hobby which allows you to go away from home for a few hours and come back either showered, or reasonably hopping right into the shower. Go to a gym. Do a workout 2 times a week. You’ll keep your body in shape. You might meet someone new. And you’ll have the ability to leave the house for a few hours and come back freshly showered without drawing suspicion on yourself.

I kayak. That works well here in the northwest – lots of good water for paddling. Two or three times a week I go out for a couple hours and come back all sweaty and jump right into the shower on returning home. We also have a full locker room and gym facility at the office. Occasionally, I will clean up at the office after paddling. In either case, going away for a few hours and coming back cleaned up would not be unusual at all.

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Finances

If you are going to have an affair, you need to be able to pay for it. Yes, when you were a teenager, you could have sex under the bleachers at the high school football field or in back of your mom’s station wagon. And the girls loved it – well, they put up with it. Women won’t. Women of substance need more. They expect more. You need to deliver more. In my experience, there is no aphrodisiac like a suite at a luxury hotel.

Let’s face it, at my age, I’ll be on the prowl for the 35+ woman. And she has done the low budget romance, and she does not want to do it again. And I do not want to run her through that. We both expect and deserve more.

Fortunately for me, the company I work for offers stock options. And having been with the company for a while, I have accumulated quite a few. The stock gets delivered to my personal stock account at one of those old full service (high cost) brokerage houses. We, my wife and I, have a joint stock account at one of those on-line discount brokers. She keeps close tab on the money in there, but she often forgets about the account that the stock option purchases get delivered through. Turns out that I have a tidy sum sitting in there which the wife knows nothing about. So that is my seduction nest egg.

In fact, the statements get delivered to the office, not the house, so she never needs to see them (except tax time, but that’s another post).

In addition to having money, you need to be able to spend it. Let’s face it, today, you can’t do everything in cash. While dropping a few Benjamins at dinner may be OK, renting a car at Heathrow or checking into the Hyatt in London with a pile of pounds is a real faux pas. You just can’t do it. You need to be able to pull out a American express gold card. So, today, go out and apply for that amex gold card, and have it sent to the office, so that the wife never need see the statements. This will eliminate a lot of problems.

Lastly, you will need a checking account of your own – again, with the mailing address as your office. This is essential.

When I started my career, I did a lot of business travel. I did not have my own charge card, or checking account. I just used the same card as for the day-to-day expenses. The wife blew up at me one day for this arrangement. You see, I had taken a trip to Tokyo, Taipei, and Sydney. I spent about $12,000 – all expense account charges (the company did not provide a credit card, but repaid when an expense report was submitted). The Visa bill came due (back them I was making about $5k a month) – and the wife simply did not have enough money to pay the bill. I was off on another trip, so I could not submit the report in time to pay the bill. Well, the wife was pissed. She told me I needed to fix this. So when I got back I got my own charge card and checking account.

Funny thing is, when I was in the bank getting my checking account, she showed up at the bank. Not sure how she knew I was there – maybe just a bad coincidence. But she asked to be joint on the account. I asked why (I knew it would come in handy to have my own money one day). She said that just in case I was off traveling and needed access to the account, if her name was on it she could do things for me (how sweet of her). This was all before all the on-line stuff we have today. Anyway, she is joint on the account, but all the statements come to the office and I have not given her the password to access the account on line. So I think it’s safe.

Anyway, last year, there were a lot of bank acquisitions. The wife pointed out to me that the bank where I had my business charge card was acquired by our primary bank. The bank seems to have noticed that the social security numbers matched and their website made everything available to my wife when she looked at the accounts on line. I asked her, “What if I was using this account to buy underwear for my mistress?” She replied with a very quick “Too bad!”

So I promptly ditched that credit card. I now have an AMEX and it cannot be seen by the wife. I have a checking account (which she technically could access) and funds to do some fun things.

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The Fundamentals of a Proper Affair

How does one go about having an affair? I have never cheated on my partner before – ever. This is new territory for me. I’m a finance guy. Yeah, at heart a bean counter. It has provided a good life for me and my family. I’m also a problem solver. And this is no different than other problems I have solved in the past.

So, let’s break the problem down – starting with the solution and working backwards to what needs to be done. This is the way I solve problems in business, it should work here. The solution looks like this: I meet my lover at the airport, We fly off to St. Barts for a few days of lying in the sun – days filled with sun, sailing, and basking on the beach. Evenings spent on fine dining, drinking, and – of course – debaucherous sex. Later we fly home, go our separate ways with no regrets and no strings attached.

Working backwards, I need plane tickets, a hotel room, and time away from the family which does not raise suspicions. And finally, a beautiful, yet adulterous woman. I need a woman who is willing (well, more than willing) to participate. Who will do all those “girlfriend” things that wives will not do. Who will appreciate a few days on the beach in St. Barts. Who can get away. Who does not mind being “the other woman”. We’ll make love, maybe connect at some level, but go back to our work-a-day lives after the fact. If all goes well, we both have fond memories of our time together.

So, plane fare and hotel bills require money, money which the wife will not miss. This I can do. A future post will outline money management.

I will need time away from the family – this simply means a conveniently timed business trip. In fact, the best vacation places are generally cheaper when folks are usually working, so this works in my favor. A future post will outline time management.

Finally, I need a woman. This will be the hardest. Damn, I hope a future post will outline woman management – d’oh who am I kidding, women cannot be managed. But maybe I can get one. I have read in the past that there is a law of symmetry in having an affair – one should look for a partner who is in the same situation as one’s self – if you are married with 2 kids, find a lover who is married with 2 kids about the same age. They will be facing a lot of the same issues as you are, and will not want to upset the status quo, but may be needing some real attention, which I am willing and able to provide.

I am an executive fairly high up in the organization at work – and with all the attention on sexual harassment, anyone at work is out of the question. The risks are just too high. Also, the wife does attend a number of corporate functions – the annual CEO’s Christmas party, the summer executive retreat, and through the kid’s school she knows a number of other wives of co-workers. People will gossip, and we cannot have this getting back to the little lady. Better to find potential partners in other walks of life. So, time to join some social clubs. The best way to meet women is to engage in activities which they are engaged in. In college I had a friend who took nursing classes. His major was engineering. But he said there were no women in engineering, so to get dates, he audited the nursing classes, which were 90% women. Fact is, he had a lot of cute girlfriends. Way more than the other engineering students. To get a girlfriend, you need access to women. Go where the girls are.

In this case, I need women who are married, and have children, and are unhappy with their spouses. Hmm, PTA seems like a target rich environment. Volunteering at the school? No, the wife is already doing that. Sports clubs? Too male dominated. This is going to take some thought. I haven’t been hunting girls since my 20’s.

Where does one find women today?

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About Me

She was walking down a cobblestoned street in central Munich. She was wearing skinny jeans and a breezy white blouse.  The summer sun made her skin glow.  A light breeze ruffled her long blonde hair, she push a lock of it out of her face as she turned toward me.  Her stunning blue eyes gave a glint of recognition, and she smiled broadly. The helles I ordered had arrived, cold and refreshing on a warm summer Barvarian afternoon. I was sitting in the shade of a large chestnut tree.  She walked into the beer garden I was at, quickening her pace as she approached.  Then she brushed past my table at almost a jog to reach the one behind me.  She gave a big enthusiastic kiss to the man sitting there.  They began speaking to each other in German – lost in each others company.

I sighed, took a sip of my beer, and thought, “damn, I need a girlfriend.” It was at that moment that my mind was made up.

Of course, it’s going to be complicated.  The wife is probably going to object.

Mid-Life Crisis? Second teen-age-hood?

I’m 48, married, have 2 boys - one in middle school, one in high school.  And, I’m terribly unhappy.

The marriage stopped working years ago.  I don’t know why, I don’t know how.  It just slipped away in taking care of the day to day life. We became too familiar with each other, taking each other for granted, I guess.

I honestly don’t want to tear apart my family.  I know how bad that would be for the kids.  At the same time, I’m so tired of living without – well – a good friend, who cares about me – without love. Someone who will cheer me up when I’m down... Who won’t criticize everything I do.  I want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

Life is too short to be without a lover – and the years are quickly running out (hmmm, that does sound like a mid-life crisis).  I want to have a romantic dinner in Paris.  I want to go skinny dipping under a full moon at a beach on St. Barts.  I want to steal away for a weekend in at a small inn in the Cotswolds.  I want to camp on the beach with my lover in Tahiti.  I want to sip champagne with my girlfriend in front of a fire place in a chalet in Chamonix as a snowstorm rages outside.

Of course, the obvious question is, why not take the wife?

Well, let me explain.  I’m an executive with a corner office.  I’ve achieved a certain level of success.  I travel a lot on business.  From time to time, there are weekends which need to be spent in far flung cities.  A few years ago, I had a weekend where I would be “stuck” in Paris – yeah, I know, rough duty.  I had a Thursday morning meeting in London, and a Monday engagement in Paris.  Like I sad, rough duty?  So I asked the wife if she would come out to Paris for the weekend.

My hotel was paid for - 5 star, expense account accommodations in the heart of Paris on the right bank of the Seine. My meals, even if outrageously expensive, were covered by the company.  I could get her out there in business class on frequent flyer miles. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said “That’s a lot of jet lag for a weekend.  And what will I do with the boys?”  Despite having friends who would gladly take the boys for the weekend, she decided not to go.  Jet-lag – seriously?!?  It’s not like she’s working.  It’s not like she hits the ground running and has to make a presentation where a $10 million deal hinges on sharp wits and quick answers – she can sleep when she feels like it, be awake when she feels like it.  Granted, it’s not New York, but there’s stuff open ‘till 2 or 3 in the morning, and the patisseries open at 5 a.m. Well, that’s when I gave up.

Heavy sigh. When you offer your wife a romantic weekend in Paris, and she declines – “jet lag” – yeah, that’s pretty much the sign that the honeymoon is over.

Am I evil?  Am I wrong? I don’t know.  Don’t try to change my mind.  I know in my heart what I need to do.

So, I will take a lover (or try really hard to).  In a nod to the 21^st century – I am going to blog my affair (perhaps affairs, maybe I’ll be lucky) – the good, the bad, the ugly.  I’ll put it out here for you – dear reader - to see.  I won’t be surprised if you chose to follow anonymously – as it all does seem a bit unsavory.  Leave a comment – anonymously.  Give me your support, give me your criticism.

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