Where's Diner?

Well, the wife is pissed at me, again.

Dinner was late. Most weekdays the wife takes the boys to swim practice after school. They swim from 5:30 to 6:30. They’re usually home a bit before 7:00. And they need to be fed. They need to get their homework done. They need to get ready for another day, and get off to bed before it’s too late.

So on swim nights, Dad, your truly, gets to make dinner. And if it’s not on the table and hot when she comes through the door there’s hell to pay.

Today I got home just a few minutes before the wife and the boys did.

This morning I got that call you hate to get when you’re in the money biz. “We’re missing some money” said a shaky voice on the phone. It was the head auditor from the accounting group. Holy Shit! How did that happen? That was the start to my incredibly long and stressful day. I’m in the money business and losing money like that is a potentially career ending move.

Yeah, Helluva Monday morning. Here’s a tip, going to hack a bank? Do it on a Friday afternoon. Wire the money to the far east, have an accomplice (who you *really* *really* trust) take out the cash before the U.S. banks open for business on Monday.

The morning was spent down in accounting figuring out where the missing money came from, and verifying that it was really missing, and not just off in the wrong bucket somewhere. Lunch was spent bringing in the FBI, the secret service, and our insurance company. It was, in a word, total mayhem at the office today.

It was Helen in accounting that was on the case first thing this morning. And at about 5:00 this evening it was Helen that tracked down the money. “I found it” she said, coming into my office, smiling “It’s in Hong Kong. HSBC. Numbered account. They’ve put a 24 hour freeze on it – courtesy.” She handed me a stack of papers. “Sign here and here, and have the secret service representative sign here, and we’ll have the money back tomorrow.”

“I could kiss you!” Yeah, I realize what I just said – but it just came out. I was so relieved. “How did you do it?”

“Uh,” she looked uncertain, “could I have a word? Private?”

My office was full of g-men. I had the head secret service guy sign the paper, then Helen and I stepped out of earshot for a moment.

“What is it?”

“You really don’t want to know - how I did it.” She wrinkled her nose – she was cute.

“The FBI will be investigating this for weeks, months. If you did anything, anything at all, you need to come clean now.” Believe me, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Today’s money climate you need to stay squeaky clean.

“The money was wire transferred Friday night just after closing from here to the Caymans, from there an automatic transfer to a bank in Panama. There the official records go cold. We could get an order to unseal the transaction, but you know that’d take weeks and involve the state department. From Panama it went to Singapore and then to Hong Kong. Not very imaginative. With the routing number from Panama, we could track it all the way.” She was staring to look really nervous. “When I called the bank in Panama, I convinced them I had the routing numbers. They just confirmed.”

“How did you convince them?”

“You don’t want to know – plausible deniability. But I was not on our networks and I did not use company property.”

“You just magically guess routing and account numbers?” Frankly, nothing to worry about, probably not even illegal. She just conned the Panamanians, hard, but not illegal.  Besides, the accounting department is not in my group. So in the very unlikely event of the shit hitting the fan, at least it won’t be sprayed on me.

“It worked. We’d have lost the money if I didn’t.”

I shook my head – “That’s what insurance if for. Don’t ever do anything like that again. And off the record… I’m glad you’re on our side.” We went back into my office.

“So how’d she find the money?” The secret service guys asked.

“Standard routing numbers. They left a paper trail a mile wide.” I said with as much confidence as I could.

“Through Panama?” he asked, incredulous.

“She told them that Jones here was on the case.” I said pointing to the youngest g-man. “Then they just gave it up.” Everyone laughed.

We called HSBC, then the Chinese officials. It looked like things were going to turn out OK. Thanks to Helen, we are probably going to find the identity of the embezzler. It was past 6:00 and we were wrapping things up. I sighed heavily. “I need a drink.” The head g-man asked if I wanted to go get a beer. I checked my watch “Oh, crap, I need to get home. Sorry. Rain check.”

______________________________________________________

The wife came in the door. “Where’s dinner?”

“Sorry, I got tied up at the office, can we go out?”

“What?” She practically yelled. “You know the kids have homework. Honestly, Joe. We don’t have time. Now what are we going to do?”

I don’t know, I guess we’ll need to eat our shoes to survive? “I’ll go get Hunan Garden. I’ll order the usual.”

“Again!? I'm so tired of that stuff.  We're always going there.”

"What else do you want to do?"

"Well, hurry up."  She gave me that look.

Yeah, saved the banking system today. Caught a hacker. Saved the company millions.

The wife started yelling at the boys, “Do your homework! Dinner’s gonna be late! Hurry up!”

Shit, I really need that drink. I called in an order for Chinese food to the restaurant down the street and then drove down to pick it up. I sat at the bar waiting for the food, and had that beer I needed. The older Chinese man behind the bar asked, “You OK? You look tired.” It was Mr. Wong, owner of the place.

“Yeah, long day. The wife is cranky”

He laughed, “You need Chinese wife. Chinese wife good” he said with a thick Chinese accent.  I know he speaks English well, and without much of an accent. But I smiled at his comment. He does put on a good show. What he didn’t see his wife standing behind him in the doorway to the kitchen, holding a cleaver, no less. She smiled knowingly at me.

“Get back to work” she barked at him. He jumped. “His order is ready.”

I winked at her, drained my beer, and then took dinner home.

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