Show Me the Money!

“Did you move the money to the e-trade account yet?” the wife yelled at me.  “You were going to do that last week.”

“No, I’ll do it tomorrow.” I replied. Do all wives nag like this? Hey I know, maybe someone who doesn’t have a job during the day could make the run to the bank. Naw that’s crazy talk. She’ll be cleaning and cooking all day like a Stepford. No time to drive 5 minutes to the bank. No wait – we have a cleaning service that comes in twice a week and does all the cleaning. And I am stuck with the cooking tomorrow night. Why can’t she help out? To her credit she does do the laundry. But the way she bitches about it you’d think she was hauling it 3 miles barefoot through the snow to a river to beat it on a rock. She stuffs it in a machine and pushes a button.

Frustrating.

I get stock from my employer on a regular basis in one of the old full service brokerage houses. And they are stuck in the stone age – and they charge for everything. I recently cashed some out – as the stock is up, so we have a bunch of money parked there. I could do an electronic transfer, but they charge a hefty fee. The cheapest way to get money out of the account is to write a check against it. I then deposit that check to our joint checking account. I could write the check to the wife and she could deposit it (if she’d help out). I’d use the ATM, but this is a 6 figure check – and I’m in the banking business. I know what can go wrong. When you do a transaction over $10,000 do it in person and get a receipt – every time – and smile at the cameras on the way in.

So, anyway, during my lunch hour I went to the bank. There’s a branch not far from the office, so not too big a deal. I drive myself there and pull up and get a space right in front of the door. I go inside and take out my ATM card and wait in line. I recognize some of the older tellers, but there are a few new pretty young things behind the counter, too. (Funny how I’m noticing that now). But I really want to get one of the veterans. The new ones force you to make fill out a deposit slip and get cranky if it’s not just so. The more experienced tellers know how to use the computer to get the job done. They do it faster and give you less guff. Some may recognize me, as I’ve been banking there for years.

“Sir? Can I help you?” Ugh – a cute young blond. She called me up to her window.

“I’d like to deposit this into my checking account”  I handed her my ATM card and the check to deposit.

“Sir, you need a deposit slip. They’re right over…” her eyes grew as she looked at the check. “Never mind, I can get this for you, sir.” She grabbed a deposit that was right in front of her. She smiled at me and went into some teller banter which bored me. She swiped my ATM card and filled in the deposit slip.

“Um, which account do you want this deposited into?”

 

Huh, oh, that’s right. The wife opened a second checking account here. I was supposed to put this in our joint checking account, but they are both our joint checking account. “Oh, I don’t know.” The accounts are not named, they just have numbers. I can’t remember which is which.

“One has about $100 in it, the other has, oh, more, a lot more.” She said.

“Uhmmmm, put it in the one with the larger balance.” I told her and shrugged.

“You’re just running an errand for the wife, right?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I get so many men doing that. ‘I’m just doing what the wife told me.’ They’re so afraid to get it wrong. ‘Don’t want to disappoint the Mrs.’” She said trying to sound cheerful.

Nope, I sure hope this sizable deposit doesn’t disappoint. Anyway cute blond teller continued to tap on the keyboard and fiddle with papers while she bantered on. I hate that – being a money guy, I do not want small talk when someone is handling my money. Focus on the job lady – that would make me feel more welcome than this chit-chat.

“So” she pulled the receipt from a machine, “There is your new balance.” She underlined the figure. I think she was impressed. She was cloyingly sweet. Hmmm, if only I could bring my bank balance to a bar.

Anyway, later e-mail exchange with the wife:

To: Regular_joe@work.com

From: The_wife@bitch.com

Subj: E-trade.

Did you move the money yet?

-the wife

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To: The_wife@bitch.com

From: Regular_joe@work.com

Subj: Re: E-Trade.

Yes. Balance should be available tomorrow.

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To: Regular_joe@work.com

From: the_wife@bitch.com

Subj: Re: Re: E-Trade.

Good.

-the wife

“Good”!? Not “Thanks”. And just signed “the wife”, not “love you, the wife”, not “fuck you, the wife”. Just “Good, - the wife”

Man, I’d just like a little acknowledgement for being an above average provider.